I have a confession to make: Eden Alene holds a very special place in my heart because she’s the first (and so far only) Eurovision alum I’ve had a one-on-one conversation with. 😲 Upon finding out we were born exactly one day and ten years apart (she was born on 7 May 2000, I was born on 8 May 1990), she looked at me with bulging eyes andsquealed. Then shetold me I looked ~*AMAZING*~ for my age. Needless to say, I’m fucking pissed she didn’t win. 😠 Personal biases aside, I think 20th exactly is the perfect spot for Little Eden. Yeah she likes me but she also has regular brunch seshes with Jack Lawson so I’m led to believe she’s one of those people who instinctively likes anyoneshe meets. As a contestant, she delivered exactly what I hoped she would: a sassy and energetic performance that made her charming personality stand out some more. With a little bit of Entertaining Mess thrown into the mix, courtesy of a frantic choreo and mild Lucieface. Israel took the MoroccanOil sponsorship at heart because not only were the hair extensions all over the place, they also made up the bulk of Eden’s second outfit. 😍 And people thought TIX had the worst outfit. He WISHES: “Set me free” does suffer from the same issues previously discussed however -“Feker libi” was a lot better, and as a girlbanger in a year rife with them, I find several of them to be better.“Set me free” is serviceable , but the only thing that truly sets it apart from the rest of the crop is Eden’s flawless impersonation of a stove top kettle. Eden told us the composers were looking for a USP for “Set me free” and couldn’t come up with anything until she chimed in with “well, I guess I can whistle really high? 😅”. What a fucking bizarre flex <3 but it got her in the finals over Albina and in the Eurovision Record Book over Maja Blagdan, at least. WILL THIS CROATIA ERASURE EVER CEASE?? ps: yes, she’s repped Israel with a song called“Set me free”. No, it’s not hypocritical. Leave Eden the fuck ALEEEEEEEEEEEEENE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- It may seem like smallfry compared to what Albania have in store for us in 2022, but when I first saw Anxhela’s staging I remember being impressed by how brave it was. FiK *always* trend towards the matronly and prude, so to see a FiK winner serve cat eyed realness and legs for days in her final forme was nothing short of uproarious. Anxhela Peristeri is GLAMOUR personified. (Reportedly, Anxhela herself was IMMENSELY nervous during rehearsals because she was worred she’d be slut-shamed :(. Bonus points for finding the confidence when it mattered because this is NEVER easy.) Strangely, where to exactly to rank Anxhela is a very tough call. I always forget how much I like“Karma” when I relisten... and yet,it’s so easy to forget it even exists.WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE GOOD *AND* MEMORABLE?? ugh. On one hand,“Karma” is structured like a dramatic powerballad, with Anxhela doling out the“GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR THIS”-es in true biblical passion, which is great. Well-acted drama is always entertaining to behold, especially when backed up by a narrative of reformed hedonist consumed the by regrets of her past debauchery, which have, in karmic fate, left her alone and unloved. On the other hands, the staging. I know some think the act elevated“Karma” but I’d argue the opposite. The act undermines it.Some of Sacha’s baseline ideas, such as the smoke were good. Just because Anxhela sings about desolation doesn’t mean it has beliterally visualized in it that way. The true reason why“Karma” fails to stick is because it’s riddled with wideshots. If you’re going the dramatic route musically, WHY focus away from Anxhela’s face while she’s going through the gamut of regret-fueled self-torture and biblical suffering? Like, at a certain point (roughly around the 7th wideshot focusing on the CGI smoke in the background) you know that the gimmick has been played out, and that it’s up to the performer and her song to carry it herself. The fact that Albania and Sabotage Baptiste, for some reason, did not allow Anxhela to do this is why she ranks a lot lower than where she could have been. Oh well. On to better times. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- MORPH! I like“El Diablo” now, sorry to say! But not without reservations. For instance, the vocals aren’t all that. None of Elena’s performances were there, but the Semi one is passable. Since I rate each song by my favourite performance of it, that will have to do. Also, I haven’t forgotten about the problematic lyrics - What the Chanel,is that Latinx slang, Laurell? First you make Raylee sing in AAVE and now this? Why is this Greek-Cypriot lady singing about “Mamacita’s” and “tacos” and “tamales”? (not to mention illiterate drivel such as“all this spicy melts my icy” O__O)Is it because“Well if we made it sound Latina that would make it sexier” IT IS because you were trying to emulate the“Spicy Sexy Latina” cliché archetype (with a non-Latinx person.) isn’t it?! 🤢 The only bigger“Kick Me” sign Laurell could pin on herself now is by starting to sell NFTs. (I joke, but that’s a terrifyingly realistic possibility. Please don’t do NFTS, they’re bad for the environment - the social environment as your relatives will disown and/or murder you.) However, despite these negative points, I’m willing to overlook most of it because Elena NAILED the (non-sonic components of) the performance :TEEHEE:. Yeah, "El Diablo” was the usual textbook Cypriot debacle but with the added flavour that Elena had to endure actual persecution by religious nuts who argued her song was blasphemous (I’d laugh if they weren’t so dead serious O_O). There were protests on the streets against “This Affront Against Us Christians!” To go through all that, and then NAIL all of her performances like nothing happened takes nerves of steel and that deserves *r*e*s*p*e*i*t*o*! Also, turns out that“El Diablo” didn’t even need the stupid lyrics to nail its seductive vibe, as Elena’s staging did all of it the work for her. In a contestteeming with sexual tension (”Sugar” is literally about cum and orgasms <3), “El Diablo” effortlessy takes the crown as being the mostdebaucherous, which made me like it... even more. 😍 I love it when people fight fire with more fire. Zealots accuse Elena of being a demon whore, she retaliates by transforming into a succubus relishing in the primal, deadly sin of Lust, spreading sinful thoughts around some more. Flailing her bodyeverywhere to make *every* gay man *and* woman in the press centre want to be her and bang her <3 In spite of its flaws,“El Diablo” was kind of a SLAY! But only kind of, lol. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now we get to an entry whose meagre result makes me very sad. ☹ That“Birth of a new age” was one of the four nilpointers in the year was unavoidable - but it still deserved a lot better. A lot of my sympathies has to do the reception it got. Thefirst live was very average yes, but did a NO point warrant this rapid, out of proportion, Charlottesvile-style response. You know what I’m talking about, the persistent comments about“this ain’t Afrovision” (O__O) and the spamming of broccoli emoji’s all over the internet, and that’s just the mild stuff. That a song is about black people breaking free from the tyrannical yoke of colonialism is not only mocked but insulted by callow white people is beyond tragic(lol I distinctly remember posting that a similar sentence on social media and some moron replied back with“HOW DO YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE DOING IT ARE WHITE?? ::offended::” which is like someone glueing a dunce hat on to their own scalp.) However, controversially perhaps, I don’ believe ~*The Topic*~ is what did "Birth of a new age” in, in the end? “Birth of a new age” had a tasteful, intelligent, very well-written message full of historical and cultural depth, one that radiated strength and optimism. Its lyrics would make Amanda Gorman proud. It was a proud representation of Surinamese culture and the Sranan Tongo language. The “problem”, so to speak, was that the best parts about the song *were* its lyrics and its multicultural backstory. That’s a bad thing if you’re competing in a live performance song contest. Melody over message. Always. Staging and Music are the most important foci here, and both were a bit subpar. Visually “Birth of a new age” was sprinkled with rich references - The krumping, the queer couture (Jeangu wore a leather harness underneath his blazer during rehearsals which is... a BOLD indicator of his sexuality, as I’m sure you’ll agree), the transition from grey to colour; Jeangu’s twin brother, all good on paper. However, these are the sort of intricacies that get lost at face value. The depth is there, but the immediacy is not. A good act needs a bit of spectacle to bind it together, and“Birth of a new age”‘s did not. Unlike some, I thought the ethnic musical elements in“Birth of a new age” were great. The ending is powerful and the important catchphrases (”Your Rhythm Is Rebellion” and ofc,“Yu No Man Broko Mi”) are catchy and memorable.However, the non-ethnic instrumentation of the song is a wash. The verses especially are a disasterous cacaphony of honky electro and overpowering percussion (the ‘DING DING DING’ at the start is almost identical to the sounds the trams in Rotterdam make to alert the passers-by to get out of the way). In their fixation on showcasing Jeangu’s personal heritage, the Dutch forgot to make his song viable as, you know, a musical piece. Hence why it flopped. Ultimately, I cherish “Birth of a new age” as a refreshing and truly unique experience that no one else will be able to properly replicate. Its only true“vice” is that was decades ahead of its time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ AUNTIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol yes, I know a lot of people resent Hooverphonic because they qualified over Albina (and because Alex is smug of the Earth), but I really like them and begrudge them nothing, DEAL WITH IT!!! Hooverphonic are one of my fave bands and “The Wrong Place” was a demonstration of their trademark trip hop power! Also, it just feels ~appropriate~ to rank Belgium and the Netherlands side by side this year? The Netherlands had a great narrative gimped by underwhelming music. Belgium on the other hand, had a great song framed by a narrative so pedantic almost nobody got it <3 Something about Johnny Cash and organic tea? And both had their fates handed down to them by flat staging, as flat a... pancake, if you will?. Anyway, the idea of Hoover’s act (at least, I think?) was centered entirely around Geike drinking herself into a whiskey-fueled RAGE, so pardon me if I’m lowkey obsessed with her <3 The song was about a One Night Stand gone wrong and boy was she convincing as the spurned party in the affair. Slrrrrring that shade with barely concealed disgust while MIMING drunkness <33333 a LEGEND. DON’T YOU DARE TO WEAR MY JOHNNY CASH TEE-SHIIIIIRT Narratively, the referenced “wrong place” was Geike’s barely lucid mind, with the spinning camera emulating the metaphorical unspooling of herpsyche into that of a praying mantis, ready to decapitate her mediocre lay for touching her things.🤩 I prefer Jury Geike though, as she was markedly more mellow and personable there, like a flaky, barely functional alcoholic aunt in the attic (which is what the *real* Geike is actually like as a person, so <3) Geike Arnaert is the mainreason why Hooverphonic rank this high, in spite of my issues with the staging. Ho boy do Ihave Issues with the staging though. It sucked. You see, [TRIGGER WARNING: the rest of this paragraph contains more smugness than the average Alesia Michelle tweet. Proceed with caution] *I* got the idea. It was clever. It was alsotoo clever. When I went around the press centre probing the other fans what they thought about it (all of them smart people), they all missed it. Uh-motherfucking-Oh. “The wrong place” was yet ANOTHER example of Hans Pannecoucke being SO absorbed by his own smartassedness that barely anybody understood the idea at face value. It was Duncan’s piano and Waylon’s krumping all over again, and frankly: e-fucking-nough. Seeing the same journey unfold for a third time, this time concerning the band I’ve been wanting to rep my home country for YEARS,was more thanenough to give me one prolonged anxiety attack that lasted all the way until Belgium’s qualification. Get this into the noggin’, Hans; Acting like you’re smarter than your audience (irregardless of whether you *actually* are or not) works approximately 0% of the time. Case in point: you got 3 televote points from the audience on your own home turf. I swear, if he inflicts the same shite on Season Ten in Turin, I hope he’s Geike’s next victim.🙂 ----------------------------------------------------------- 16. BELGIUM - Hooverphonic -“The wrong place”17. NETHERLANDS - Jeangu Macrooy -“Birth of a new age”18. CYPRUS - Elena Tsagrinou -“El diablo”19. ALBANIA - Anxhela Peristeri -“Karma”20. ISRAEL - Eden Alene -“Set me free”21. DENMARK - Fyr og flamme - “Øve os på hinanden“22. SERBIA - Hurricane - “Loco loco”23. SWEDEN - Tusse - “Voices”24. LITHUANIA - The Roop - “Discoteque”25. UNITED KINGDOM - James Newman - “Embers”26. PORTUGAL - The Black Mamba - “Love is on my side”27. FINLAND - Blind Channel - “Dark Side”28. NORWAY - TIX - “Fallen angel”29. ESTONIA - Uku Suviste - “The lucky one”30. SPAIN - Blas Cantó - “Voy a quedarme”31. SLOVENIA - Ana Soklič - “Amen”32. GEORGIA - Tornike Kipiani - “You”33. LATVIA - Samanta Tina - “The moon is rising”34. CZECH REPUBLIC - Benny Cristo - “Omaga”35. ROMANIA - ROXEN - “Amnesia”36. AZERBAIJAN - Efendi - “Mata Hari”37. NORTH MACEDONIA - Vasil - “Here I stand”38. AUSTRIA - Vincent Bueno - “Amen”39. GERMANY - Jendrik - “I don’t feel hate”20. ISRAELEden Alene -“Set me free”17th place
19. ALBANIAAnxhela Peristeri -“Karma”21st place
18. CYPRUSElena Tsagrinou -“El Diablo”16th place
17. NETHERLANDSJeangu Macrooy -“Birth of a new age”23rd place
16. BELGIUMHooverphonic -“The wrong place”19th place
The Ranking:
#Cyprus | borisbubbles (2025)
Table of Contents
20. ISRAELEden Alene -“Set me free”17th place
19. ALBANIAAnxhela Peristeri -“Karma”21st place
18. CYPRUSElena Tsagrinou -“El Diablo”16th place
17. NETHERLANDSJeangu Macrooy -“Birth of a new age”23rd place
16. BELGIUMHooverphonic -“The wrong place”19th place
The Ranking:
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